David Drinks the Monster Away (manuscript page)

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Total votes: 7
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This is another excerpt from my story called "A Dying Man". The excerpts I post are not in order and do not follow directly after one another. They are simply short, to the point ideas that I put on paper. Enjoy, and tell me what you think.

It had been days since the last pain in his gut, but David could feel the unwelcome swell of his stomach tightening his coat. He sat by himself at the bar polishing off another drink. It seemed to help keep the pain at bay.
The room was full of the common din and loud music pulsing from the DJ’s speakers. The bar he had come to since he moved into the city had become more of a club scene in the last few weeks. This too was unwelcome to him. Still, he ordered another drink. And another. And another. As it got later into the night, the crowd changed and thin. As he continued to drown himself, he could feel numbness in his stomach. The thing inside him was moving again, but he couldn’t feel the pain, only its dull shifts.
By the end of the night, when the bar had closed up, the bartender helped David to his apartment down the street. David stood at his door long after the bartender had left him there. He just stared at the faded, blue paint and the brass door handle right above the old-fashioned keyhole. He wondered if he would die soon. If this growth would eventually overtake him. If his landlord would find some bulbous, inhuman sack of flesh lying in his bed where he should have been. He wondered if the papers would declare him missing. Or maybe they would declare that the sack of flesh was in fact him. He would become something of an urban legend. A story that children told. When morning came, David didn’t remember thinking these things.

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Comments

kt6550's picture
A nice, bleak picture. Good job.
Corrections: 
the crowd changed and thin. - the crowd changed and thinned.
lonelytree's picture
Never expected to like it but this is really interesting. Some grammatical errors but those could be easily corrected. Wish to see more.
Corrections: 
the unwelcome swell - the unwelcoming swell
laparker92's picture
Thank you. And as far as the correction you suggested, I meant it like "the unwelcome guest."
optimysticynic's picture
I actually love this. Very ironic and well told.
laparker92's picture
Much thanks.
Boney G's picture
This is pretty good.
Madhatter's picture
Wow, this is very good. Of course you know there are some errors, and for dramatic pause, a need for breaking up some paragraphs/sentences. Some intense sentences standing alone would be amazing. Give the reader something to ponder, you know? You say it's from a book titled " A Dying Man"? Parker, the title you have now "David drinks the monster away" is a really cool title. It has an adolescent feel to it, but the content is anything but. Which could really draw readers in to want to buy it. Especially if your spine was kick a**. Of course this is just my novice opinion. Continue, continue, continue....hehehe

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Total votes: 7