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Writings Area: View Submission |
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Chapter 4
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Overall Rating: 87.2%
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Rating Details 
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This writing has been rated by 2 members, resulting in a rating of 87.2% overall. Below is a breakdown of these results:
Concept/Plot:
Depending on the writing type, give your opinion on the overall plot if it is a story, or the concept of the writing if it is abstract such as a poem. Does it seem to make sense, strike a chord with you or seem a well chosen concept? Did the author stick to the concept or did they change mid-thought? | 91.5% |
Imagery:
Did the author use words and descriptions that allowed you to visualize the scenes portrayed in the writing? Did the feelings of the work stir your emotions as you read it? | 88% |
Spelling and Grammar:
Were the words spelled correctly? Was proper punctuation and grammar used? Could you easily understand sentances or did you have to re-read lines several times to understand what was meant? | 83.5% |
Flow/Rhythm:
Depending on the writing type, how did the writing flow? If it's a story, did it have a smooth, easy to follow flow? Did the flow of events make sense? If it's poetry, did the author stick with the syllable flow for that writing type? Did the lines rhyme properly if a rhyming device was used?
| 86% |
Vocabulary:
Did the author use the same words over and over or did they use a broad vocabulary to get their exact point across? Could better wording be chosen then what they have? | 87% | |
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Written by: jetsjones19
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Type: Story
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Submitted: 1280511804
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Chapter 4
It was summer. The wind felt like a summer wind. The hot temperatures were summer like. Yet I had that feeling in my stomach like it was a Sunday night and the first day of the school week was tomorrow. I knew I didn’t have too and even though I reminded myself of the feelings falsity, the anxiousness persisted.
It seemed morning after morning I would be greeted by both Tyler and my grandmother. I thought maybe as the days passed I would grow fonder of him, but it seemed to be the opposite. I just found more things other than his shaggy dog like hair to dislike.
Though courteous enough he would ask me every morning, “How did you sleep Riley?”
And every morning I would answer with, “Oh, I slept good thank you.”
In reality I started to loathe nights with there dragging nature. Days seemed to be comparably short to the darkness. I found myself lying on my side staring out of the window being overwhelmed with the thoughts that I locked away during the day. Tears were habitual. Walks started to become habitual.
This morning it was pancakes that filled the house with an aroma that reminded me of Sunday mornings at my old home. Pancakes were her favorite. It made no consequence how tired Mike and I were of the food, every Sunday it would be there waiting for us when we woke up. And of course when we would complain, which we would, she would just tell us to shut up and eat. I unconsciously smiled to myself and didn’t realize it until Tyler strangely looked towards me.
I looked to the right at the open chair, set with an empty plate and cutlery, and wondered who she was expecting. Soon after the thought crossed my mind, the door bell rang accordingly and in walked Jake. He smiled at me and took his spot to the right immediately helping him self to breakfast.
Tyler asked curiously, “have you met?”
Jake answered the question before I even thought of what to say.
“Yeah we have. I found her in the stables talking to Iris.” He turned to me, smiled, and asked sarcastically, “Riley was it?”
I returned a sarcastic smile and picked up my plate heading to the sink to wash them with my appetite quickly fading. I put the plate down in the sink letting the hot water erase most of the dried syrup that stuck to the glass plate.
My grandmother interjected, “Wait Riley we all have to talk first. Come sit down.”
I ignored her statement and instead leaned against the counter top with anything but a pleased look on my face. The long nights were seeming to take there toll.
My angered stare in her direction seemed to encourage Jake’s sarcasm as he asked, “some one is in a great mood this morning?” The smile that I grew to like in the stables, that was now etched on his face, I wanted to wipe away.
I was about to add something to my sarcastic returning smile but my grandmother didn’t allow it. “Okay that’s enough. We all need to talk and it’s about the fence.”
We all stared out of the large window that showed the fence that surrounded the grazing area for the horses. It was clearly old with the color fading almost to a nude tone and a quarter of the wood cracked in different places.
“Clearly it’s on its last leg. The paint is almost completely gone, the woods cracked, and far down there it’s almost as if there isn’t even a fence. It’s just a matter of time before something goes wrong…”As she continued to stare out of the window it was like she was still internally debating whether this was the right project to start.
Jake asked, “Do you have the wood already?”
“Not yet. But I talked to Harry down at the lumber yard a couple of weeks ago. He told me it wouldn’t be a problem and that I could come pick it up when ever I wanted. But I called him up this morning telling him that you all would be coming today.”
Both of them laughed in sync as she said Harry was expecting him. I guess this was a regular accordance. Her wanting something done and planning it without letting them know. But neither of them complained and simply nodded there heads in acceptance.
Every one stood up from the table as if this second they were leaving to head down to the store. She walked to her purse and grabbed the money that was needed for the wood and handed it over to Tyler. “Now you can use the truck. You will probably have to make two or three stops to get it all in there.”
I was still standing by the countertop, arms and legs crossed and unmoving.
Bev walked over to her purse and pulled out the set of keys for her truck. Tyler’s eyes were hawkish as he stared at the every move of the swinging key. She noticed his glance just as I did and with an apparent strained smile said, “Jake you should probably drive.”
Jake laughed as he grabbed the keys and soon Bev joined in as Tyler’s frustrations became all too noticeable with his sloping shoulders and his more than once heavy sighing.
“Oh shut up Jake. It was one time! I don’t know how many times I have to apologize.” His face, like mine usually did in the heated moment of embarrassment, turned a bright red.
Jake’s words were hardly decipherable as he said laughing, “Tyler here just doesn’t understand which side of the road your suppose to drive on.”
I just stared back and forth at the three while they laughed about an inside joke I didn’t care to be inside of. When the laughing was over and all the lanes of memory were crossed I started for upstairs to lie down on the bed that was never slept on. It least I thought that’s what the day held in store for me until Bev yelled up at me, “Let’s get going Riley. You don’t want to make them wait to you?”
As she wanted it I drove with the two in the large truck down to the lumber yard. I sat in the back listening to the two of them talk casually. It was forced, unnatural even, and it became apparent that there pleasantries were for the sake of the people around them and not for themselves.
It wasn’t until Tyler asked me, “So what are you doing down here now?” that I had to retreat from my inattentive glance out of the truck window.
Trying to make my words light and casual sounding I asked, “What do you mean?”
I instantly saw Jakes eyes move from the gravel road to the front mirror as if my reaction was to give something away. The more I examined Jake’s face and the more I thought of the tone of Tyler’s question, the ambiguity of there knowledge on my circumstance became clearer. They knew nothing and I felt instantly relieved at this revelation. Secrecy was once again my ally. Tyler sighed in frustration as he rephrased his question.
“I mean why are you living with Bev now?”
I ignored the question and accidentally flared his irritation even more so. “You call her Bev?”
She was still a stranger in my eyes and so calling her grandma wouldn’t do. There was still a strange formality between us that a grandchild would never share with her grandmother.
“Yeah, every one has called her that around here since I can remember.” Tyler’s nosy nature became even clearer as he asked again, “Are you going to answer my question?”
Jake still curiously stared in the mirror every few seconds waiting for my answer. I once again indifferently replied, “I am just staying here for awhile. She is my grandmother after all. I wanted to get to know her.”
“I thought you didn’t want to call her your grandmother?” Jake’s tone wasn’t rude but was interlaced with a sincere confusion.
I met his glance in the mirror for a few seconds and retreated again to the side truck window watching the only green scenery eventually become populated with people walking on sidewalks. Although her house was surrounded by green grasses on all four sides uninterrupted with other houses or stores, the small town of Russell wasn’t that far away.
As we reached the store they both told me to stay put as they went and talked to Harry. The well known Harry was shorter than I had imagined, balding, but still held the color to his hair which was a lighter brown. He seemed friendly as I watched the muted scene from a distance. He patted Jake on the back with a smile on his face and shook Tyler’s hand in a pleasant hello. They soon came back and pulled the truck to the back of the store where the piles of wood were waiting for us to load.
It took us hours and three stops to pile all of the wood into the truck and drag it to and from Bev’s house.
“Can you help me grab this one Riley? Just grab the end there.” Jake grabbed one end of the wood and waited as I securely grasped the other side of the large piece. My back was facing the truck, my eyes and feet blinded, while Jake counted down the amount of footsteps I had to take. Of course my back hit the end of the truck without a warning and as I looked up at him with a callous stare he just smiled that now familiar smile.
“Sorry, I thought you had a few more steps there.”
A smirk was pulling at the sides of my mouth as I said, “I’m sure you did.”
I turned my body to the side holding the wood as Jake slid it in the back of the truck.
I turned my head for a second and in that instant I felt a huge pain in the palm of my hand. I pulled my hands away from the wood that was now set safely in the truck.
I muttered to myself as I saw the blood start to emerge from the gash, “God dammit!”
The blood started coming heavier and heavier, soon running down my lower arm. Staring at the open wound that ran horizontally across my palm, I could feel the light headedness start to emerge and so I leaned against the back tire of the vehicle.
Behind me I could hear Jake saying, “Are you okay? Turn around let me help you!”
I didn’t understand how my stubbornness was still intact with the light headedness growing with every passing second.
“I am fine. There is nothing wrong with me!”
I shuffled around him shielding a visual from the cut as I ran towards the bath room of the lumber shop. As I clutched my hand together I could feel the moisture of the blood growing and soon after I watched the blood escape out of the sides of my hand following gravities path toward my elbow.
I shut the door quickly and locked it leaving a map of blood on the handle. The blood was taking over my whole hand as I unclenched it and the red velocity from the open wound was not lessening as I applied pressure with the apparent fifty cent toilet paper.
Seconds later I heard Jake yelling outside the door, “Let me in. Let me see your hand!”
I stared at the door than back at my bloodied hand and couldn’t help but think of her. I couldn’t help but think how much blood was spilled on the night she had the car accident. Of course when I was allowed into the hospital room her skin was not stained with red. It was her usual olive skin, slightly faded to a whiter shade. I could feel my breathing grow heavier and heavier as the blood and tainted memories continued to flow.
His now muffled voice yelled behind the washroom door, “Riley!”
With a gasp of breath I whispered to myself as I stared at the stained white toilet paper that now circulated my body, “Come back to me. Please come back to me…” The slight hope I felt in the hospital returned as I sat on the cold tiled floor. “I just need to hear your voice. I can hear it in my mind. I can hear you say I love you. I can hear you say my name….just one last time let me hear you.”
As I talked to God, heaven or a ghost, that familiar tingling feeling started to seize the red liquid filled palm as my one hand grasped it. The water that filled my eyes that hadn’t yet fallen blurred my sight. I blinked my eyes purposely to rid myself of the tears that wanted to be released and I saw a familiar picture. The red color dominated my entire hand like it had both mine and my mothers in the hospital.
The running blood that leaked from the cut quickly slowed until it stopped completely.
I separated the two hands and watched as the color faded and my natural white skin returned. With what was left of the toilet paper I picked up and wiped the excess blood from the now closed wound, scanning it in more detail.
All I could think and say was, “oh my god.”
I inspected my hand as I did weeks ago and found that the cut that was open seconds ago was now completely closed. My lightheadedness quickly faded with the ambiguity of a feeling now reemerging. It was impossible to think that my touch, my skin, was what stopped the bleeding. Yet that impossible thought was the only one plausible as I sat covered in blood but no longer bleeding. Curiosity guided me yet again as I grasped my hand. I watched the impossible quickly phase into something possible as the tingling sensation along with the redness dominated my hands. I could feel my eyes widen and my mouth slowly open in amazement as I watched the new cut be completely erased from right to left. The detailed lines that stretched unpredictably across my hand I traced with my one finger. It was uninterrupted and smooth like it had once been.
The banging on the door was still continuing and so I yelled one last time, “I will be out in a minute.”
I didn’t have time to continue to sit on the floor and stare at my hand in curiosity and so I cleaned the tiled floor that had droplets of blood. The toilet paper that lay around my body I threw in the garbage and the handle that was mapped with my blood I quickly cleaned.
I opened the door to find Jake staring at me in a mixture of emotions. On the surface was anger but most evident was concern. I unintentionally stirred his surfaced anger as I told him, “Everything is fine. I thought I had cut my hand but I didn’t.”
I walked away quickly hoping that he would leave the incident at that but luck was not on my side. I was two feet from the truck when Jake grabbed my arm and forcefully turned me around.
“Riley, I saw the blood!” My silence escalated his confusion. “Fine let me see your hand then.” His voice was louder than I think he realized with the surrounding people at the Lumber shop staring at the scene he was now making. It was like everything around him was blurred and would continue to stay blurred until his curiosity was satisfied.
He reached for my hand and instead of fighting it I allowed him to scan the now uncut skin. He flipped my hand up and down several times as if thinking he made a mistake and just happened to miss the cut that was clearly there. When he didn’t see anything he reached for my other hand and did the same thing. I stayed silent as his internal thoughts I am sure were racing. His one hand now lifted and rubbed his forehead as if thinking that the motion would bring some clarity. With the sought after clarity not found, he started to talk to himself as if speaking the words aloud would help figure out the unsolvable mystery. I stood there dumbfounded unsure of what to say or do and so just listened to him ramble on about what he thought he saw.
“I saw the blood. I am not making this up. It was on your right hand and then I saw it going down your elbow…then you ran to the store and went into the washroom. I saw this…I saw the blood…”
I looked past Jake to see the crowd that was once watching us like a dramatic film slowly start to attend to there own business. I thought the worst was over but when I looked back at his face, his eyes were staring deliberately at something behind me. I turned to find blood smeared on the truck’s side which I had leaned against in support. A red flush stained my skin.
He walked over to the truck and victoriously pointed to the evidence that inevitably would lead to nothing. “This is your blood! I know it is.”
I had to put an end to this because with each passing sentence he grew more stubborn with his accusations.
“Look at my hands.” My hands rotated up and down until he saw both sides untouched. “There is no cut. There was no cut. I don’t know what you’re talking about right now. Let’s just get in the truck and go back to the house so we can start building the fence.”
Just as I had said this Tyler came outside from the store.
His hands were searching for the truck keys as he talked nonchalantly. “Okay, everything is paid for. Let’s head back now so we can get something to eat. I am starving.”
Although irritating, Tyler wasn’t dense. He could sense the tension between the two of us as we stood facing one another. Twirling the keys in his hands and walking past us to the driver’s side of the vehicle he asked, “Is everything okay?”
Thankfully the blood smeared paint remained unnoticed. His eyes seemed to scrutinize me more than Jake and so my stare turned cautiously to the ground.
Before Jake answered with an unusually quiet yes, he stared at the blood and then back at me. I didn’t understand the look in his eyes and I didn’t have time to scrutinize it as seconds later he walked to the passenger side. His head intentionally looked down to the graveled ground as he passed me and I did the same.
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#1 |
on July 31 2010 18:39:28
#2 |
on August 02 2010 22:31:07
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Character Battle 1-10
Spiderman (Peter Parker)
63% [5 Votes]
Sarah Kerrigan (the Queen of Blades)
38% [3 Votes]
Votes: 8
You must login to vote. Started: 30/08/2010 09:40 Polls Archive
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take there toll. - take their toll. Use possessive here.
These are two errors; there are more.
You have some good dialog here, and a good scene, but it seems as if you are trying a bit to hard to create atmosphere. Drop some of the large words and write the way you feel. It will make for a much smoother story.