Girl have problems. Boys have problems. Teenagers. We are just a world of fucking problems.

School is all about social standards and trying to either fit in or be outrageously indifferent. Adults forget this when they grow up, they forget the angst because they are preoccupied with work, mortgages and living their own lives.

They don’t recognize a fake smile from the genuine because you don’t let them in to learn. They never know whether a day has been good or bad because you just say “It was alright.” You go to your bedroom and don’t return unless called.

Being a teenager hurts. Especially when you fall in love once again with the guy who would never want you back. He is more experienced, he is gorgeous beyond compare, and he can be genuinely nice.

He has his faults, but you’d accept them any way. You might snap if he does something particularly nasty but that’s how we learn. If he was upset you’d expect him to tell you what was wrong but you wouldn’t push him for answers, you wouldn’t lose him because you’re being pushy.

When you get to the class you both share, you act as if it doesn’t matter that you are only friends. You playfully insult him and laugh and smile with him. Although all you can think about is the colour of his eyes and the way his hair looks when he can’t be arse to do anything with it.

Sometimes you feel like you just need to tell him, you refuse because he is better than you. He is popular with everyone, he wouldn’t even look twice at you so why even bother anymore?

It gets lonely and you see him walk past, you almost say something but stop before it leaves your mouth. Before you do something you regret. Before you tear yourself apart from the inside.

Longing.

When news comes around and he has his new girlfriend by his side, you smile. He’s happy. He’s happy with out you, then you know it’s time to move on and be happy for yourself. Though now when you look at him you still feel that love and if there is a time when you get particularly close to him you have to be careful not to ruin the friendship by blurting out some shit that doesn’t even matter. Because you don’t matter in this relationship, it’s all about him. Him and his happiness because you doubt that at this age you will ever rid yourself of this lonliness and this sorrow that grips at your entire being.

You have your own friends but you still feel alone. You only feel whole when he is there. He takes himself away with half of you attached not even knowing how he has completely torn you apart. Not knowing that the girl he just left behind is just a shadow of who she once was. Not knowing that she may move but she will always love him. Love him unconditionally because she can dish out just as much as she gets.

She knows she isn’t innocent. She knows that she has hurt him just as much as he has hurt her. The only difference is that he got to move on a not leave a spec of himself behind. He learnt and grew and developed. She is stuck waiting for help that she will never receive because it’s too late to learn this part of life.

Catch up or die.

Catch up or be left in this lonely pit.

Angst is a bitch and so am I.

So yes I deserve the shit which arise, I deserve the way he ignores me when he doesn’t need to be nice to me. I can hate myself all I wish. It doesn’t change anything.

He wont be there anymore.

Angst envelops your soul.